Its been a while since I wrote a blog post. Predictably, life gets in the way sometimes and I’ve also had a bit of inertia in putting the virtual pen to paper to jot down my thoughts. In my defense, the past three months (Sep, Oct and Nov) have kept me very busy. While I’ve privately taken time to reflect on my experiences, I thought it’d be good to share some of these thoughts. So what have I been up to?

September

September marked the halfway point of my time here in NZ (hence the title of the post). Towards the end of the month, I made a short trip back to Singapore to attend a friend’s wedding. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect at the prospect of returning home for a while.

Arguably, I wasn’t really looking forward to it, mostly because I had settled into a comfortable state of affairs for the past six months, and it felt like I was being unceremoniously pulled away from this life to resume my other one. Sure, it was nice to be back in a city where shops are open late, places are easily accessible and food options are plentiful. However, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat unsettled in my two weeks back home. In the back of my mind, there was this sense that I had unfinished business in NZ that needed tending to.

That being said, I still enjoyed being back in a familiar space. Things felt like they hadn’t really changed, and I just sort of slipped back into the routine I had in Singapore without much resistance. It was almost like my time in NZ was a faint daydream that took place in a alternate dimension, with a Subra borrowed from another life. The wedding itself was great, and it was good to see my friends again. I also received some kind words from friends and acquaintances who complimented me on my life decision to move to NZ for a year.

As I approached the halfway mark, the big thought I had in my head was “have I changed?” The boring answer to this question is “it depends” (as is the answer for most things in life). I don’t think I have fundamentally changed as a person (I also think you’re making a decision for the wrong reasons if you expect travelling to ‘fix’ or change your life).

But I do think I have been altered in minute ways. I’ve radically stepped out of my comfort zone multiple times, become even more self-reliant, realised I can actually do a decent job as a tour guide, and am better at handling uncertainty. These are all changes that are not necessarily observed externally, which is what makes the initial question tricky.

Other people may not be able to comprehend these changes because they relate to my sense of self. Sure, I can put the feelings into words and use descriptive language to convey my state of mind, but its not quite the same. It is hard to get someone to accurately grasp how over the past six months, I would be filled with sudden moments of profound gratitude and pride in realising I made this working holiday a reality for myself despite all my initial fears. About how this experience makes me feel like I am capable of doing anything I can put my mind to. But maybe it doesn’t matter, because I am doing these things for myself, and as long as I can understand these changes, that’s all that counts.

The time back in Singapore was nice, but I was looking forward to going back to NZ to resume my working holiday, and soon enough I was back on the plane to pick up where I had left off.

October

October was a month of goodbyes and new beginnings. I had to say farewell to Hobbiton, which was bittersweet. I had an incredible time working there, something I would have never imagined myself doing. It was probably the closest thing to a dream job that I could ask for. I made so many friends and got to be part of many amazing experiences, and it is something I will cherish for a long time. Thankfully, I will be back there in March for the Halfing Marathon and will get to see some familiar faces.

October was not all gloom though, because I finally embarked on a road trip to the South Island. This was going to be my first ever road trip, and one that I would do alone. The thought of planning out my itinerary for three weeks only made me more stressed, so I decided to only sketch out a rough plan of my route and decide where to go depending on how I was feeling. Don’t get me wrong, this was also stressful, but I valued having flexibility with my plans.

And that decision paid off pretty handsomely. I had initially planned to drive through the east coast of the south island, but decided to head west after speaking to some backpackers who went through Abel Tasman. It was a wonderful three weeks as I finally got to explore the country, stayed in the nicest AirBnB of my life, hiked on a glacier, did many beautiful hikes, saw gorgeous lakes and experienced the full beauty of NZ. I was blessed with good weather as well which was helpful.

Three weeks on the road was fun, but it also came with its own set of challenges. I have spoken previously about my anxiety, and I had many doubts before and during the road trip. From small things like “will I be able to charge my phone and have internet access throughout” to “where am I going to be sleeping tonight”, my mind wasn’t always calm. One thing I have realised about myself is that while the fears are always going to be there, I am also capable enough of rising to the challenge and I will be able to figure it out.

My biggest headache came in the form of finding accomodation for November. As I was going to be hiking for half the month, I needed a base to stay at in between my hikes, and it didn’t make financial sense to be renting a place for the month. I tested the waters of wwoofing for the first time, and thankfully managed to find a place to stay at for the month, doing some farm work in exchange for free accommodation and food. Another new experience that left me grateful.

November

I will be making a separate post on this, but November was my month for hiking. This was the probably the only month that I had really planned ahead throughout my working holiday, mostly because I had to book all these hikes in advance owing to their popularity. I hiked the Milford, Kepler and Routeburn in succession, with 3-4 days of break between each hike. And what a month it was. I was extremely exhausted by the end of it, but also felt very satisfied and proud of myself for completing three multi-day hikes.

Closing Thoughts and Main Character Energy

Thinking back to the question on changing as a person, my time on working holiday has actually activated latent parts of myself that I always thought to be ephemeral daydreams and mental escapism at best. A constant fascination with the prospect of moving away from home to a foreign place for a year. Fantasising about going on road trips and camping by myself in exotic places. Being a “hiking and outdoors person”.

When you’re a child, these thoughts feel freeing, because youth imbues you with a sense of limitless possibility about the future that almost borders on arrogance. I’m gonna go on all these adventures when I’m an adult with money and responsibility, I would think to myself. As I got older, these ‘heady’ desires started to sound more like desperate attempts to delay the reality of being an adult. Bro you going NZ to ‘discover yourself’ is it? Where got time sia, how old already want to quit job and travel all. Everyone else is settling down and grinding, and here you are thinking you’re the main character.

Over the past few years, I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of trying to bridge the gap between my ideal self and actual self. So many qualities that my ideal self would have, yet I don’t quite reach those heights in actuality, due to a mixture of procrastination, fear, and feeling of inadequacy. I think there’s a common belief that once you’re of an adult age (or when your frontal lobe develops at 25), you’ve sort of created your identity, and it doesn’t change very much. I’m reminded of a quote attributed to Benjamin Franklin: “Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”

After a while, you just give up on chasing an ideal self, as the weight of just existing as a regular self can sometimes be tiring enough. In an ideal world, I would be going on these adventures, but alas, I have to be an actual adult and I don’t have the time or energy to do these things. Trying to become the “ideal self” then almost feels akin to Icarus flying too close to the sun. Or to reference a character co-opted by the sigma male grindset hivemind of the world, Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

Just a disclaimer: I don’t suffer from schizophrenia and do not have a Tyler Durden complex

However, I’ve since realised that it is possible and even necessary to be continuously evolving, and you can move closer to your ideal sense of self, you just need to take action. It’s literally possible to become a different person, or even rekindle your childhood desires. I made those adventures a reality. I became the hiking and outdoors person. and I began to embrace myself as a main character in my own life. After all, if I don’t do it, no one else is going to. My two cents is that everyone would do well with having some main character energy and going on their own personal adventures.

I’m about to turn 30 but still feel like a child in many ways. Not to go all therapy-speak, but your inner child doesn’t just go away when you get older, it merely gets relegated and neglected to the background in most cases. This working holiday experience has allowed me to fulfill those dreams that a 10-year old Subra was daydreaming about, and for that I am very grateful.

A soft goal I’ve begun setting for myself since 2022 is to try something new each year. 2024 has smashed that goal out of the ballpark. It was a very fulfilling six months thus far and if you told me this was where my adventure ended, I would still be fairly satisfied. But if anything, the next six months are going to be even more adventurous and. I’m going to keep chasing my ideal self, because I look to the future with more optimism and excitement than I ever have.